Not very often do I post something personal on this site, but today is an exception.
Before diving into myself personally, I want to let it be known what has brought this post on. Lately, for no noticeable reason, I've been looking back on my childhood. As some know it's not something I enjoy looking back on, I've mainly been looking back at the good times rather than focusing on the bad.
One thought has stood out more than any, memories of my best friend growing up. Her and I lived across the street from each other throughout our childhood, and she was the best. The main thing I remember, right before my parents divorced and I moved a few blocks away, she had asked me out. We were just kids, but the what-ifs will never fail to torment the back of my mind. I said no to her, to this day I have no idea why. If I said yes, would that mean we'd be together? Doubtful, but I can only think of 3 people in my life I think I might have been happy with for the rest of it, she is one of them.
Does that mean I love my girlfriend any less? Not by a long shot, I've never been so happy with someone in my life. It's just my mind working through the motions of regret. This didn't come out of the blue, it started last week. I haven't seen her in over 2 years, but she added me as a friend on this myspace-ish website my girlfriend made me join. We had been talking some, apparently she is married and about to have a kid. Normally that is a good thing, but she is married to a guy that not only made my life a living hell in highschool, but had also hurt her really bad in school as well. She'd told me all about their previous endeavor back in school, how he had been a complete ass while they were together and after. I remember sitting in the hall as she told me all about it, then I had been regretting the same thing.
Why do I destroy my mind with repeated thoughts of regrets from the past? Couldn't tell you.. Though I do know where this specific scenario stems from. I just have this need to save. I don't mean coupons, money or time. I mean people, namely women I am attracted to. Is she happy with said a-hole? She says she is, but in my mind, because I don't know any better, he is still the asshole he was back in highschool. And from my experience, not many people hold the capability to change for the better. So I find myself asking this question; if I had said "yes", if I could have muttered the words together as a scared little boy; could I have saved my best friend?
Writing stuff down doesn't always make it easier.
About Me
- Lantz M
- I have this special talent; I am able to sing better than anyone else in the world, but only when in a car by myself with speakers blaring. I also stopped a man from eating a raisin-bran muffin once, as I was pretty sure he would choke on it--That's right, ladies. I save lives.
I'm a little bit sarcastic at times. I like to give and take laughs, smiling and laughter is pretty neato. I think friends would say I'm very open minded, maybe to a fault. I love rain; the look of the clouds and the smell of the wet ground is great. But I also love the sun as it allows me to ride the bike around. I recently discovered I'm claustrophobic, that's as close to "a fear of mine" that I can think of. I love to travel, but lately work has held me back from that. My friends and family are quite amazing and I really like spending time with them.
I'm a nut when it comes to music. The amount of music I like is a bit ridiculous, but I get bored easily so I need to hear something different all the time. Every musician has different stories, sounds and emotions to share.
