Lantz's Guide To A Successful Valentines Day
(For Those Who Think They Need One)
(For Those Who Think They Need One)
1.) Plan Ahead:
There is nothing worse than noticing that it's 11:59pm on February 13th, you're doing a line of crack, and realising that the last "relationship" you had was with the unconcious hooker that was found asleep in your bathtub last friday night. That's no way to plan. Instead, lets take a step back about 8 years and stop idolising Snoop Dog(or at the very least back to when you picked up the hooker). Now that we are crack and herpes free, and it is infact February 10th, we now have a clear mind and are ready to take on V-Day.
2.) Finding Your Soul Mate, And Fast!:
The key to Valentines Day(for a loser like you) is not to be picky. Keep in mind, you would have been with a hooker tonight if it wasn't for me. The next step to take at this point is to find where would be a good place to look for your date. There is always the library, but this might be risky; as most women here are much smarter than you, and won't fall for the "one liner" of, "Did it hurt?" "When you fell from heaven?"
Another choice you might think of might be a bar. This facility is full of women that play pool, drink, party, put out on Valentines, etc. But again, be very weary of this choice. In most bars, behind every scary, sexually exhausting woman there might also be a very scary man that won't typically hesitate to beat your face down to your knees on a wim that you're even looking at "his woman".
In my opinion, the best choice on short notice is Trixy there on the corner. Remember, we're not being picky, and she's only 20 dolla!
3.) Getting Made:
Now that you have a day or so, and your whore.... err.... Trixy, you are ready for self improvement! Now, if you live in Johnson County, you may already think you are god's gift to man. But I'm here to inform you, shut the fuck up. And so we tread on to the mall or other clothing store.
Knowing your woman Trixy, we won't really need to care about our apearance(so long as we bring the joints). But just incase there might be someone else in the room you would want to catch eyes with, you want to make sure you look your best. Buying something that accentuates your own personal flair is what is mainly important. So case in point here is simple list of facts about dressing properly:
fat = no tight clothing
skinny = no baby clothing
grandpa = long sleeves
Michael Jackson = nose
short = tall shoes
tall = shoes
dark skinned = light clothing
pale = no white clothing
men = condom
women = bring a condom anyway
shemale = umm, yah... nevermind
Though this list is short, it may have saved a few lives. But let's move onto something equally as important: hair.
Through shaving, spiking, muousing, mohawking, or even curling every step taken to cranial perfection is as important as the last(Though with shaving there is, uh... one step... But it's VERY important). Be sure to take great care and precision in every moment, or just have some chick at the mall do it for 15 bucks. Either way, if you're balding, for god sakes don't do a comb over! Everytime a bald man thinks a comb over looks good, god smites an unsuspecting suicidal teenager.
4.) The Upcoming Night:
Now that we look better dressed than Courtney Love, you are now ready to make the preperations for the evening of her/his dreams(not here to judge). Though some of the employees might get a giggle or two out of it, we don't want to make resurvations at a McDonald's or Taco Bell. Instead, you might want to choose something slightly more exuburant. No no, not IHOP. Let's think a little bigger here. There yah go! Denny's! Be sure to use Step 1 to your advantage, and plan ahead.
Now that you've made your reservations, don't forget to ask your mom(and yes, if you have read this far; I know you still live with your parents) to borrow her car. It's no limo, but your beat up Toyota isn't going to impress anyone at Denny's.... Or, actually, yah they probably will be. But regardless, you are going to need some class if you're going to open Trixy's eyes.
7.) (or 6 or something, I don't know. This has been a longer post than expected) The Date:
Tonight's the night, your big chance. Turn off the computer, put on your pants, brush your teeth for the second time this month; it's time to get with it champ. Now that we have completed the following steps above, you're ready to pick up your date for an eventful and memorable Valentine's Day.. Night, evening.. thing. Whatever. And now that it's February 15th for me, I leave with this guide. Remember Step #1, we now have 364 days to plan, good luck and good night.
l8uz
-Lantz
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