Customer Service Do's and Dont's

"Thank you for calling the internet helpdesk, my name is Lantz, how can I help you tonight?" This opening sentance that I use in my work place on a regular basis is what today's post is all about. The customer service do's and dont's that should be used on a regular basis, but are never really seen. So once again we step into the text based wonderland I like to call: Trials and Tribulations of Some Tall Guy - Customer Service Do's and Dont's.

I love subtitles.

"Whatchoo Talkin' Bout Representitive?"

America! The land of the half-of-us-speak-english, and the home of the lazy sons of bitchs'. Now, me being one of the lazy sons of biznatchs, I must complain about the first part of the second sentance of my second paragraph. Yah... I'm talking about the problem with customer services speaking English! The other day I had called into a customer service line for a phone problem, and who do I get; Miss Thang. This lady in a very strong ebonics say-so opens the call with, "Sprint, can I help you?" Now I realise that that isn't as rude as this woman could be but this is still very unprofessional. The majority of the problems came from me grinding my teeth from the over usage of words like; baby, hun, yayah, you jus' need tuh, and so on... Now I also realise that our society now relies on words like; booty-licous, my boo, rollin in my crib, and get yo ass ova here nigga to get our voices heard and to gain respect with one another. But, there are a small few of us left that refuse to put spinners on our "rides" and slap our "hoes", and for that small section of Americans left, we should have customer service representitives that don't refer to cell phones as "bling rings."

Another problem with customer service is when the customer service in question provides it's employees with camels to ride into work with. I'm talking about cheaper pay for people that worship Allah! Working with computers everyday is something that is my job, and as many people who have Dell computers and have spoken with their helpdesk(no matter how well of English I speak), I am constantly asked if we're in India or anywhere out of country. It's just something that is automatic when someone calls for help on electronics. I believe this should not be automatic thinking. So here's what we do! Take the homeless, mindless, less fortunate, and sports players and let's actually make something out of these people! Give them a chance! Give them a way to earn money to have a place to live, to go to school, to give them nice things, to get the sports channels to die forever! English lessons, a few weeks of training, a customer service motto of "Ebonics is fo' duh birds" and these people are set. And they will work for less than the "more qualified" of us.

I am not a bigot, I just believe I would be a shitty internet technician for Indias fine people.

"Can you hear me now? Good!"

Just like the fine folks at McDonald's one of the most annoying things to hear on a call is nothing at all. When someone is whispering in the phone and you must press the phone so hard to your ear that you're getting their computer problem coming out of your ass. Now typically I will ask if the person in question(whether I am the helpdesk or the person calling in) if they can turn up the mic just a little. This is not a harsh question. This is not an insult, and because I've asked this I have done all I can to fix the hearing issue I have. Now, if anyone is in the position where the person on the other end feels this is a terrorist attack on their personal lives you can do one of two things:

1.) If you're calling in to customer service, ask to speak to their manager. This will get their mic turned really far up really fast.
2.) If you're the person who is helping the other person out, do what I do! "Sir, if I can't hear the issue I won't be able to solve it. Please give us a call back when we will be able to work together."

Fun stuff huh? Now the other issue I have with the volume control is when someone is way too loud! Pick up the phone, say the intro, and suddenly Chewbacca screams his email address and all I can hear is the beating of my heart as it slows and so does my vision. If I am still concious at this point usually turning down the volume myself solve this issue, otherwise, my phone is broken and for some odd reason I can't take the call. Darn.

Patience is Key, and I am a Lock

In this last section I must anounce the most annoying part of helping others: stubborness. People who will sit there and either decided it was a good idea to call into a helpdesk and want something fixed, but won't do anything to help their own problem. Sentances like; "Ooohhh no, I'm not doing that." Or; "This problem is on your guys' end!" Or even; "I don't want to do that. What else can we do?" It isn't that much, but I would hope that anyone that calls in for help would be willing to work with the person to solve their issue.

"I help those who help themselves"

-Lantz and Jesus

Though this has probably been less than helpful for anyone who has been so bored their last resort was to read some blog by a guy that believes wild and crazy ideas like Bush is the biggest idiot in power to date, 2006 should be the dawn of killing off anyone with the name Carrot Top, or every Tuesday should be "Throw Bricks at BMWs Day"... I hope this has made you think differently about calling into customer service. Thank you.

-Lantz